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Kink Reflection

Universal Needs and Power Exchange

I am fascinated with the mental aspects of power exchange. Rope and pain play are wonderful, and yet they only call to me as a physical manifestation of the mental control that power exchange offers. And I often wonder how needs play into power exchange relationships. Does one person give up their needs for another? Who really has a choice in the matter?

I have found that the best methodology to discuss needs in a meaningful way is Nonviolent Communication (NVC). For those unfamiliar, NVC is a communication methodology and philosophy of life that was pioneered in the 1960s by the late Marshall Rosenberg. NVC has flourished and is practiced all over the world, in interpersonal relationships and international crises.

A core principle of NVC is that there are a universal set of needs that humans share. You might relate this to a pyramid representing Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that you have seen. Everyone, across all time, geography, gender, race, and other separations share the same needs, yet strategies to meet those needs differ. For example, we all desire connection, yet while I might want to catch up over coffee, you might want to go to a dance party. (Ohh, to be in the days of coffee dates and dance parties once again!) 

As I am deeply interested in both NVC and power exchange, I often wonder what different needs are being met for various people in power exchange relationships. Perhaps a particular submissive craves safety, belonging, and demonstrating competence in their relationship, while their Dominant may desire pleasure, consistency, and ease. These roles are intentionally different, so the needs satisfied are also different. 

I can see that a power exchange relationship, and in fact every relationship, is made up of a series of strategies. In my article “What’s Choice Got to Do With It?: Thoughts on Choosing Submission,” I explored choice. I contradicted a common refrain about Master/slave relationships when I discussed choice in these relationships.

Even in a relationship with a blanket consent policy, we actively choose to view how we perceive the actions of those that control us. We chose who we gave that power, and we choose to stay with them every day. Our lives are full of choices, even a life filled with submission.

Yet, that’s not the full extent. 

In the past, when I was first taught the language of Nonviolent Communication, I believed that strategies that met someone else’s needs must be at the expense of my needs. If my partner wants to watch a movie, and I want to play a card game, when we watch a movie at the end of the day, aren’t I sacrificing for him? Thus, I have the moral high ground, and I can leverage that against him when we next have a conflict: “I watched a movie for you! Don’t you want to meet my needs?” I know now that this is using the language of NVC to contradict the intentions.

The intention I’ve been focusing on lately has been prioritizing connection. According to Miki Kashtan, this involves “…[focusing] on connecting open-heartedly with everyone’s needs before seeking solutions, even in challenging situations.” When I watch a movie with my partner, I am choosing to meet one need over another. Perhaps I wanted stimulation through the game, yet I chose peace by preventing a conflict with my partner. Again, this comes back to choice. Even when I’m in a dire situation, I choose how I view a situation and that impacts the needs it meets. If my initial strategy isn’t the one we do, I can choose to pick a fight, thus satisfying my need to be seen and express myself authenticly. However, by turning the mind, I can focus instead on empathy and companionship.

When I bring this to a power exchange context, I am reminded of a passage from Slavecraft:

…[S]laves with this point of view get to a place in our heads where every time we give something up for the Master, we feel that our slavery, our surrender, is renewed and reinforced. So i’ve lost the pleasure of seeing the building [that i wanted to see], but i’ve gained my slavery. i’ve lost the opportunity to make that phone call [that i wanted to make], but i’ve gained my slavery. And when slavery is the most important thing in the world, joy is the result in my life.

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude by Guy Baldwin

The perspective of slavery, that intentionally cultivated frame of mind, deeply meets the needs that the author prioritizes. He chooses to see the denial of his personal strategies as a strategy in itself. It’s beautiful to me.

Perhaps I’m getting too heady here. Does this view of needs within power exchange resonate with you? Please let me know.

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Kink

“Mental Stuff Like Confidence or Self Esteem”: Vital Skills for Dominants

A gentleman on Reddit’s r/BDSMcommunity posted asking for advice, saying he “[feels] overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff I need to learn, want to learn.” He was essentially asking what kinky play and sex skills should a Dominant develop, and specifically mentioned that he wasn’t interested in “mental stuff like confidence or self esteem.” This was my reply:

Yeah, to echo some others, the mental stuff is more important than how you throw a whip or spank. So to directly contradict you, this is what I find admirable and attractive in a Dominant I’m considering for a power exchange relationship:

  • Consistency & Integrity. When you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to keep doing something, be able to keep it up or re-negotiate.
  • Self-insight. Know thyself. What motivates you? What type of play appeals to you and why? Do you have trauma? If so, how does it affect how you view relationships, kink, and sex? Keep investigating.
  • Self-motivation. Ambitious, motivated people are just sexy. If someone has the self-control to continue to motivate themselves, they can probably help motivate others.
  • Leadership. Have a plan for when shit hits the fan. Be able to command a room if necessary. Keep a cool head when things are challenging. Develop the ability to process several sources of information without becoming overwhelmed.
  • Empathy. Understand where other people are coming from. Listen to someone’s words, as well as their body language and facial expression. Confirm with people if you understand them by reflecting back what they’ve said. Seek connection over anything else.

Even if they never learned how to suspend someone with rope or intimidate them with knives, someone with all of these traits would be a wonderful dominant in my opinion.

I’m wondering how that resonates with readers. Do you have anything to add to the list? Am I totally missing the mark? Please let me know.